Tega says....

Tega's journal
My inner fear

With every new day,I learn new things about myself. Things that frighten me,enlighten me,baffle me and most importantly awake a consciousness within me that I really have no clue about who I really am. In as much as I do not argue the fact that I have a complex personality, sometimes, I try to believe that I am as open as a book..While I wouldn't dispute the truth that sometimes I get a bit hyper emotional and cranky and really weird,I assess myself and fear greatly that I might not exactly be accomplishing and exploring the true potential of my personality.

I look at myself and I wonder that I might not be walking towards who I should really be..My wonder always,always leads to this fear,this paralyzing fear within me .I tell myself that I need to step away from myself so I can look unto myself to see if I am being the Tega I ought to be. To see if I am turning out to be the woman I so totally hoped I would be..The thought that I might not be getting it,that I might be heading towards the opposite direction of where my potential lies scares me to death..It is that fear of derailing that cripples me, that stops me from aiming as high as I should. That fear keeps me stagnated and rooted in my comfort zone.

Am I leading a life worthy of me?Am a turning out to be a reflection of the true and strong woman I so desire to be, or I'm a dandelion floating in an ocean relying on the wave to lead the pace? Is the rein of my life in my hands or in the hands of people,leading me to where they think I ought to be? Is Tega in control of Tega's life or is she reliant on other people's strength to navigate through life? Am I really who I should be or is my life a constant pursuit for the approval of people?

I was born to this world to make a difference,to effect a change,to carve a niche and to make an impression. I was born to make mistakes, but am I making too many mistakes? I was made to get angry when I am crossed,to cry when I am hurt,to love,to hate,to encourage,to sympathize,to be strong,to be afraid and most importantly,to Live..But am I living? I was born with a high supply of common sense but am I applying it to my advantage or am I denying myself the opportunity to be who I am meant to be?. Am I making too many bad decisions and poor calls?Am I forming alliance with the wrong crowd? Am I telling myself the truth of who I really am and where I'm headed? Am I living a lie?

I am a girl with a lot of fears, but do I have what it takes to eradicate that fear?I fear that I might not be adequate enough. I fear I might not be a good enough person. I fear the honesty of who the real me is if I'm not acting to please or impress people. I fear that I might not be an excellent lover,daughter,sister, and friend. I fear about my relationship with my boyfriend, and my relationship with the world. I wake up every morning with a renewed hope to be a better person, a better lover,a better sister,a better daughter,a better friend and a better citizen . But it seems like I'm holding myself back because I fear to be judged.

I don't want to live my life to please people. I don't want my personality to change depending on who I'm with or the environment I am in. I want to live an authentic life,not a life seeking for approval. To be able to express myself without fear or favor. To stand for the truth even if I'm standing alone. Not to be patronizing or a sycophants, Not to sing the praises of people just for the hell of it. I want to be Tega at all times. I want to be me even if it annoys or impresses,even if it irritates or amazes. I want to be true to myself. I owe nobody that except myself.

I do not want to go through life with the responsibility of pleasing people on my shoulder, It is too great a responsibility. A responsibility that weighs me down so much that i become strengthless to be my own person. It is that burden not to be judged that limits me. I'm not unaware that as human beings we are programmed to seek the approval of people, but am I allowing my life to be centered around it, am I living off it. Am I being true to myself even if it doesn't meet the approval of anybody. I fear that I dress,talk,walk,act in a way that doesn't depict who I am as a person just because of my phobia of disapproval.

I fear that at one point in my life I might have taken the wrong turn,and now I'm headed away from the grand design for my life..I may not yet have a clear picture of how my world is supposed to be, but I fear that I might leave the world without putting my mark on it. I fear that I would leave the world without changing a life. I fear that I might not be able to attain and achieve the essence of my existence before I am smitten into dust. I fear greatly that I might leave this world and I wouldn't be remembered.