Tega's journal
My inner fear
With every new day,I learn new things about myself. Things that frighten me,enlighten me,baffle me and most importantly awake a consciousness within me that I really have no clue about who I really am. In as much as I do not argue the fact that I have a complex personality, sometimes, I try to believe that I am as open as a book..While I wouldn't dispute the truth that sometimes I get a bit hyper emotional and cranky and really weird,I assess myself and fear greatly that I might not exactly be accomplishing and exploring the true potential of my personality.
I look at myself and I wonder that I might not be walking towards who I should really be..My wonder always,always leads to this fear,this paralyzing fear within me .I tell myself that I need to step away from myself so I can look unto myself to see if I am being the Tega I ought to be. To see if I am turning out to be the woman I so totally hoped I would be..The thought that I might not be getting it,that I might be heading towards the opposite direction of where my potential lies scares me to death..It is that fear of derailing that cripples me, that stops me from aiming as high as I should. That fear keeps me stagnated and rooted in my comfort zone.
Am I leading a life worthy of me?Am a turning out to be a reflection of the true and strong woman I so desire to be, or I'm a dandelion floating in an ocean relying on the wave to lead the pace? Is the rein of my life in my hands or in the hands of people,leading me to where they think I ought to be? Is Tega in control of Tega's life or is she reliant on other people's strength to navigate through life? Am I really who I should be or is my life a constant pursuit for the approval of people?
I was born to this world to make a difference,to effect a change,to carve a niche and to make an impression. I was born to make mistakes, but am I making too many mistakes? I was made to get angry when I am crossed,to cry when I am hurt,to love,to hate,to encourage,to sympathize,to be strong,to be afraid and most importantly,to Live..But am I living? I was born with a high supply of common sense but am I applying it to my advantage or am I denying myself the opportunity to be who I am meant to be?. Am I making too many bad decisions and poor calls?Am I forming alliance with the wrong crowd? Am I telling myself the truth of who I really am and where I'm headed? Am I living a lie?
I am a girl with a lot of fears, but do I have what it takes to eradicate that fear?I fear that I might not be adequate enough. I fear I might not be a good enough person. I fear the honesty of who the real me is if I'm not acting to please or impress people. I fear that I might not be an excellent lover,daughter,sister, and friend. I fear about my relationship with my boyfriend, and my relationship with the world. I wake up every morning with a renewed hope to be a better person, a better lover,a better sister,a better daughter,a better friend and a better citizen . But it seems like I'm holding myself back because I fear to be judged.
I don't want to live my life to please people. I don't want my personality to change depending on who I'm with or the environment I am in. I want to live an authentic life,not a life seeking for approval. To be able to express myself without fear or favor. To stand for the truth even if I'm standing alone. Not to be patronizing or a sycophants, Not to sing the praises of people just for the hell of it. I want to be Tega at all times. I want to be me even if it annoys or impresses,even if it irritates or amazes. I want to be true to myself. I owe nobody that except myself.
I do not want to go through life with the responsibility of pleasing people on my shoulder, It is too great a responsibility. A responsibility that weighs me down so much that i become strengthless to be my own person. It is that burden not to be judged that limits me. I'm not unaware that as human beings we are programmed to seek the approval of people, but am I allowing my life to be centered around it, am I living off it. Am I being true to myself even if it doesn't meet the approval of anybody. I fear that I dress,talk,walk,act in a way that doesn't depict who I am as a person just because of my phobia of disapproval.
I fear that at one point in my life I might have taken the wrong turn,and now I'm headed away from the grand design for my life..I may not yet have a clear picture of how my world is supposed to be, but I fear that I might leave the world without putting my mark on it. I fear that I would leave the world without changing a life. I fear that I might not be able to attain and achieve the essence of my existence before I am smitten into dust. I fear greatly that I might leave this world and I wouldn't be remembered.
Saturday, 22 June 2013
Saturday, 15 June 2013
A TOAST TO FRIENDSHIP!!!
The English dictionary defines friendship in a certain way but I think it doesn't capture the true essence of it so I decided to come up with mine. To me, a friend is someone who knows how messed up your life is and still chooses to be a part of it. You can't put a price on that now or can you? We are not at liberty to choose family but friends, we damn right have a choice and that's why when someone you thought was your friend, suddenly begins to act like a douche-bag, you simply put up with it or you send them parking from your picture perfect life, shinkena!
I'm one of those who have been fortunate enough to meet very wonderful people who find my craziness fascinating hmm that's if they are not so themselves oh! I'm the kind of girl who awakens a side of you, you never knew existed. In a positive way that is!
My darling Tina, was a proper girl until she met me and I made her know it's cool to scrape snow off the top of a clean surface and lick it the way we used to scrape the freezer and lick the ice flakes and call it ice cream (please forgive me for making your life a lot more fun) life is short people! Why make living life such a bore? I only had normal friends till I met this very special girl I want to talk about.
I went for church service that beautiful Sunday morning and as usual, I went to sit at the back with the boys. For anyone who knows a good choir, you know the sopranos are meant to sit in front. I'm not trying to sound conceited but I'm a bad arse singer! The type who will make you give your life to christ that is if you haven't but begin who I am, I don't sit with the rest of the girls because I hate the feeling of sounding like a canary doing back up singing for the dream girls. My choir director must have had enough of my ways and he asked me to either do the back up or leave the choir stand. I chose option b of course! I angrily went to sit with the congregation at the back of the church and just then, pastor said for us to shake the person sitting next to us saying something I don't remember. That was when I had the opportunity of meeting this girl.
My second encounter with her was on Valentines day. We had choir practice and we also had a party organised by the church. We had finished rehearsal and it was audition time for new members and that was when I first heard her sing. Her voice was like nothing I had ever heard. She was singing "Just to be close to you is my desire " the hair on the back of my neck stood gosh! She sounded like an oyinbo cd and from that moment on, I knew I wanted to be friends with this geh. I walked up to her and said something really funny and we have been friends ever since.
We all have different purposes for our lives and as such we might not have as much time as we want, to be with people we love. We grow up, get jobs, get married and have kids and somehow, we forget the very people who have been there for us from the beginning. I wanna use this medium to celebrate my friends and tell you how much value your friendship has added to my life. I may not get to see you as often as I want, I may not get to call you ever so often as I ought to but I love you all the same.
Happy birthday my darling Onome, here's wishing you good health, love and plenty pikin lol! Visit here blog here mypocketfull.wordpress.com never a dull moment there. Happy friendship day people!
Shout out to Katie and Meme
I'm one of those who have been fortunate enough to meet very wonderful people who find my craziness fascinating hmm that's if they are not so themselves oh! I'm the kind of girl who awakens a side of you, you never knew existed. In a positive way that is!
My darling Tina, was a proper girl until she met me and I made her know it's cool to scrape snow off the top of a clean surface and lick it the way we used to scrape the freezer and lick the ice flakes and call it ice cream (please forgive me for making your life a lot more fun) life is short people! Why make living life such a bore? I only had normal friends till I met this very special girl I want to talk about.
I went for church service that beautiful Sunday morning and as usual, I went to sit at the back with the boys. For anyone who knows a good choir, you know the sopranos are meant to sit in front. I'm not trying to sound conceited but I'm a bad arse singer! The type who will make you give your life to christ that is if you haven't but begin who I am, I don't sit with the rest of the girls because I hate the feeling of sounding like a canary doing back up singing for the dream girls. My choir director must have had enough of my ways and he asked me to either do the back up or leave the choir stand. I chose option b of course! I angrily went to sit with the congregation at the back of the church and just then, pastor said for us to shake the person sitting next to us saying something I don't remember. That was when I had the opportunity of meeting this girl.
My second encounter with her was on Valentines day. We had choir practice and we also had a party organised by the church. We had finished rehearsal and it was audition time for new members and that was when I first heard her sing. Her voice was like nothing I had ever heard. She was singing "Just to be close to you is my desire " the hair on the back of my neck stood gosh! She sounded like an oyinbo cd and from that moment on, I knew I wanted to be friends with this geh. I walked up to her and said something really funny and we have been friends ever since.
We all have different purposes for our lives and as such we might not have as much time as we want, to be with people we love. We grow up, get jobs, get married and have kids and somehow, we forget the very people who have been there for us from the beginning. I wanna use this medium to celebrate my friends and tell you how much value your friendship has added to my life. I may not get to see you as often as I want, I may not get to call you ever so often as I ought to but I love you all the same.
Happy birthday my darling Onome, here's wishing you good health, love and plenty pikin lol! Visit here blog here mypocketfull.wordpress.com never a dull moment there. Happy friendship day people!
Shout out to Katie and Meme
Saturday, 8 June 2013
TEGA SAYS.......
Tega's Journal
Being in a relationship is a really tricky thing. One minute you have all the answers, and the next, you are as clueless as a kid on his first day in a new school. Boys and girls are so different, it's a wonder how they end up being together. As a girl, my perception, belief, ideals, goals and interests are poles apart from my boyfriend's. The way he views life is totally the opposite of how I see the world. He sees the world in black and white, I see it in pink, grey and blue. But in spite of our different outlook at life, we still manage to be in love.
As a girl, what we want from our relationship sometimes conflicts with what boys want from theirs. Us girls are programmed to want more than a casual relationship. We always tend to put the cart before the horse. The very instant a guy asks us out, we already start to picture in our heads the future with him. We are sitting down on our first date with him, but rather than enjoy his company, we are creating a mental picture of how many kids we would have together, what exact location our dream home would be built and if he would be bald and totally grey at age fifty five. We want more too quickly, and it rubs us of the ability to really enjoy our relationship with him.
A guy asks a girl out and he just wants to have a good time, not marry her. He wants to be able to enjoy her company and have fun. We don't see it that way. So,rather than be an interesting date, we switch off our attractive button because all our mental faculty is in full gear plotting ways of how to keep this guy around long enough to force a proposal out of him. It is really funny how we box ourselves in a corner because we are cut in this chase as girls on who will finish first. We forget that one of the things men find most unattractive and unsexy in us is desperation. When a guy senses you are desperate to tie him down in marriage, he runs away, and if he doesn't run away, he remains in the relationship and allow you make a fool of yourself, until he is tired of watching your freak show.
I read a book by sherry Argov on why men marry bitches, and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I dare to say it has totally changed my perception on boys and marriage. Girls are so much in a hurry and guys take advantage of us because of it. We lose our power in a relationship the very minute a guy knows we are desperate. We hand him all our cards and we have nothing to hold him up to. We turn ourselves into what we are not with the hope that he would like what he sees and get a flashing from heaven that this 'new you' is what he wants to spend the rest of his life with. So, rather than be the boss in our relationship, we end up being the slave. Constantly trying to please him, and letting him use us as his foot mat.
There are over a billion single people in the world. Why try to please one. Why lose your identity just to get and keep the attention of one?? I'm going to contradict myself here and say that I do not blame some girls when they play all their cards to get a proposal out of a guy. When you meet a guy and agree to date him, it isn't because he is the finest, richest, funniest guy around. No. You date him because you have found something in him that does it for you. You have found the magic in him that puts the tingle in you. So, you fight to solidify and permanent it. You struggle to make that feeling legal. At this point, you have to be smart. You have to throw him that rope subtly, so u don't entangle him with it. Throw the rope at him and allow him catch it and use it to gain balance, not trip from it. Make him know that while you love him to bits and would love nothing more than to be his wife, you are not going to degrade yourself in the process.
All we have to do as girls is to be the best in our relationship. Be as fun, as naughty, as interesting, as stubborn, as loving, and as caring as you can be, and if the boy is sensible enough, the only thing that would delay him from popping the question, is coming up with a creative and most romantic way to ask you to give him the pleasure of being his wife. We shouldn't be the ones doing the stressing and wondering and thinking and plotting. It's the guy's duty to live with the wonder of if you will agree to be is wife when he proposes. We shouldn't tip the balance of the universe. We shouldn't play the guy's role.
I'm very well aware that sometimes, we get tempted to want to slap some sense into him, and scream at the top of our voices if he can't see how fucking awesome we are and why he won't just go down on his freaking knees and propose. We do this because of love. We do this because we have found that thing in him that satisfies us. For different girls it's different things. For me, it's how he holds my hand, how he tries to protect me from the world even from myself,how he takes care of me, how he is compassionate towards people, how he always tips the waiter and security men, how he stops to tip a traffic warden. It is how I am myself when I'm with him, how I hate him sometimes and love him like crazy at the same time. I have found in him what makes me myself, and I would be damned if I let that slip out of my hands.
Anyway, that's all I have to say.. Have fun guys..I'm off.. *shaking my head to the beats of Adele's Set fire to the rain*
Being in a relationship is a really tricky thing. One minute you have all the answers, and the next, you are as clueless as a kid on his first day in a new school. Boys and girls are so different, it's a wonder how they end up being together. As a girl, my perception, belief, ideals, goals and interests are poles apart from my boyfriend's. The way he views life is totally the opposite of how I see the world. He sees the world in black and white, I see it in pink, grey and blue. But in spite of our different outlook at life, we still manage to be in love.
As a girl, what we want from our relationship sometimes conflicts with what boys want from theirs. Us girls are programmed to want more than a casual relationship. We always tend to put the cart before the horse. The very instant a guy asks us out, we already start to picture in our heads the future with him. We are sitting down on our first date with him, but rather than enjoy his company, we are creating a mental picture of how many kids we would have together, what exact location our dream home would be built and if he would be bald and totally grey at age fifty five. We want more too quickly, and it rubs us of the ability to really enjoy our relationship with him.
A guy asks a girl out and he just wants to have a good time, not marry her. He wants to be able to enjoy her company and have fun. We don't see it that way. So,rather than be an interesting date, we switch off our attractive button because all our mental faculty is in full gear plotting ways of how to keep this guy around long enough to force a proposal out of him. It is really funny how we box ourselves in a corner because we are cut in this chase as girls on who will finish first. We forget that one of the things men find most unattractive and unsexy in us is desperation. When a guy senses you are desperate to tie him down in marriage, he runs away, and if he doesn't run away, he remains in the relationship and allow you make a fool of yourself, until he is tired of watching your freak show.
I read a book by sherry Argov on why men marry bitches, and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I dare to say it has totally changed my perception on boys and marriage. Girls are so much in a hurry and guys take advantage of us because of it. We lose our power in a relationship the very minute a guy knows we are desperate. We hand him all our cards and we have nothing to hold him up to. We turn ourselves into what we are not with the hope that he would like what he sees and get a flashing from heaven that this 'new you' is what he wants to spend the rest of his life with. So, rather than be the boss in our relationship, we end up being the slave. Constantly trying to please him, and letting him use us as his foot mat.
There are over a billion single people in the world. Why try to please one. Why lose your identity just to get and keep the attention of one?? I'm going to contradict myself here and say that I do not blame some girls when they play all their cards to get a proposal out of a guy. When you meet a guy and agree to date him, it isn't because he is the finest, richest, funniest guy around. No. You date him because you have found something in him that does it for you. You have found the magic in him that puts the tingle in you. So, you fight to solidify and permanent it. You struggle to make that feeling legal. At this point, you have to be smart. You have to throw him that rope subtly, so u don't entangle him with it. Throw the rope at him and allow him catch it and use it to gain balance, not trip from it. Make him know that while you love him to bits and would love nothing more than to be his wife, you are not going to degrade yourself in the process.
All we have to do as girls is to be the best in our relationship. Be as fun, as naughty, as interesting, as stubborn, as loving, and as caring as you can be, and if the boy is sensible enough, the only thing that would delay him from popping the question, is coming up with a creative and most romantic way to ask you to give him the pleasure of being his wife. We shouldn't be the ones doing the stressing and wondering and thinking and plotting. It's the guy's duty to live with the wonder of if you will agree to be is wife when he proposes. We shouldn't tip the balance of the universe. We shouldn't play the guy's role.
I'm very well aware that sometimes, we get tempted to want to slap some sense into him, and scream at the top of our voices if he can't see how fucking awesome we are and why he won't just go down on his freaking knees and propose. We do this because of love. We do this because we have found that thing in him that satisfies us. For different girls it's different things. For me, it's how he holds my hand, how he tries to protect me from the world even from myself,how he takes care of me, how he is compassionate towards people, how he always tips the waiter and security men, how he stops to tip a traffic warden. It is how I am myself when I'm with him, how I hate him sometimes and love him like crazy at the same time. I have found in him what makes me myself, and I would be damned if I let that slip out of my hands.
Anyway, that's all I have to say.. Have fun guys..I'm off.. *shaking my head to the beats of Adele's Set fire to the rain*
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)