I'm Big not sick!

The bus conductor was shouting at the top of his lungs for passengers "ketu ojota" thanks to fuel scarcity in lagos, stranded passengers had to rush into the bus in order to get good seats or any seat at all. There she was, trying to force her big frame into the already tight bus. She was sweating profusely, while others laughed at her "mission almost impossible" She had a pretty face though it was covered with badly done make up and sweat.

She must have been having a bad day. As she tried to get off the bus, she tore her skirt (ouch) as if that wasn't enough,Fatima fell (eyah). Onlookers laughed as she tried to help herself up. poor thing(smh). It got me thinking how unfair life could be sometimes. Our society which once embraced being big and called it beautiful now laughs at their own. What a shame. The plugs in my brain, begin to
 spark. Now i speak on behalf of my big sisters.

Just because i dont look good in skinny jeans doesnt make me less a woman. Im big not sick! Just because i cant run as fast as you to catch a bus or save my life doesnt make me lazy. Im big not sick! I agree that i eat a bit more than you do but i guess you are not blind to see that my size requires more food than yours. Im big not sick! The same way you have a crush on a good looking guy, works the same way for me. Remember our eyeballs are the same size from birth till death. Im big not sick! I might wear a size or two bigger than your's in that perfect dress, doesnt mean im a mumu. Im big not sick!

Im beautiful on the inside and if you just squint those stupid eyes of yours, you will also see im beautiful on the outside. Im big not sick! All you good looking guys out there, i could love you just as good as that thin anaemic girl, if not better . Remember i have a big heart. Im big not sick. You reading this, before you laugh and call me pap brain, remember your ancestors, where just the way i am now and if they weren't, their husbands were ashamed of them. Im big not sick!

When next u see me walking slowly down the road, just know im not tired, im learning to catwalk in time for the big miss world pageant. I'm big not sick!

Indian Romance

His eye caught mine, gosh i could feel my heart melt like burning candle wax. Oh no! This couldnt be happening! In my heart, indian music was playing in the background and me and the object of my heart's desire and my yori yori were dancing to romantic tunes in the Taj mahal. Life couldnt be more beautiful(oh my word). He came closer, put his hands on my
Waist and looked me straight in the eyes as if to reassure me that he will never leave me.

I hear someone call Karina though i could only hear it faintly and then she poked me mscheeeeeeeew my annoying boss just ended my picture perfect life in my mind ehn, i had bitch slapped her over a thousand times. I wish that i could make that dream become reality. Karina its time for your tea break she said I walked so fast into the staff room as though i had a pot of burning beans on the fire.

Oh my! Sanjay was in the staff room. My joy knew no bound. He stretched out his Amithab Baachan like hands and said "my name is Stephen, whats your's?" The first Indian man who didnt reek of curry and garlic.I grabbed his hand and shook his hands as though my very existence depended on that very moment. Ka ka Karina i stuttered. His smile  could melt a pot.

We became friends, exchanged contacts and the phone calls started. In all honesty, i wondered what a suave dude like him could possibly want from ordinary me. I was gonna find out. He said he loved me and i said i was Nigerian. I just couldnt imagine living in India, yet i was bent on pleasing my Romeo. I read about his culture and what made Indians tick. I started eating tandoori, tikka masala, pitta bread and every Indian food i could lay my fingers on. Little did i know i was in for a bumpy ride in a keKe in the suburbs of mumbai.


Sanjay wanted to finger my brain, can you beat that? He didnt do any reseach on Nigerians so he didnt know we are black not dumb. This guy was out to con a naija girl like me(smh). Please do not ask me how i out smarted him. Thats not to say i now hate Indians as i still watch bollywood movies.

 During my research, i discovered that cows are revered animals in India and i ask, do i in any way look like a cow? Let alone a cash cow for that matter. All over the streets of London, they flirt with me. abeg oh Indian women dey get dada? abi people with dreadlocks get any special money vomiting abilities? mscheeeeew oshisco.

The Good, the bad and the not so pretty

As i sit here to write this, i look back every now and then, just to reassure myself that i am safe. Im like a little fish swimming in the midst of hungry sharks, yet i dare to swim across. It has been on my mind for quite sometime to come and sit in the beach on a sunny day and behold nature in all her glory and beauty. Sadly, that isnt the case as it is raining crocodiles and hippos, alot of bad boys around and those merchants of familiar spirits conducting "deliverance".

Enough about my environment :) lemme go back what i am doing here. I seek that which i do not understand. Today, i am meant to be in front of an HR representative, telling them why i need their freight job so badly but it isnt so. What we want, isnt always what we get or is it? I try to force a laugh every now and then but the sound of  my heart's cry, brings me back to reality.

I ask! what did i even come to the world for? The thought of the ones i love , once again,gives me something to smile about. Jah be praised for that! Love, career and spirituality, happen to be the very issues that brings me T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ my knees. Then i ask myself what if i had all my heart's desire, will it make me happier? For some reason, i cant answer the questions i ask.

My heart is racing and making waves with so much current just like lagos Bar beach. There is so much to write about but i dont seem to know where to start but never the less, i just have to say it "the way it is doing me"

My Confessions.....

I have been doing alot of soul searching this week. For the one millionth time in ma life, it has hit me again that sinners wont go to heaven and that Jesus is coming soon.

I take it seriously because so many things are happening in this world of our's that points to the fact that its not very far off. i have repented and i try by the grace of God to be in line with what i have learnt from the word of God. Just like any normal person, i have had ma own fair share of mischief and naughtyness.

I was going through my old pictures from school days, when i came across a picture of  an old class mate of mine. The memory of what i did to her, hit me afresh and in as much as im truely sorry for what i did to her, i couldnt stop laughing. This friends, is ma first confession.

Miss S.U wanna be, was a born again, no earing wearing, no trouser wearing and natural haired girl. We were in the same hall (hostel). She was indeed pretty.  Beauty with brains is how best to describe her. However there was a snag. Nobody is perfect i know please dont judge  me. She  was  one hell of a wanna be and an unrepentant longerthroat! Tufia!!!!

S.U loved food so much, she could take candy from a baby *rme and to crown it all, she so wanted to belong but didnt want to look bad in the eyes of her fellow churchillos. My birthday fell within our resumption period, so i took my cake to school. S.U practically ate all my cake and i decided to teach her a lesson but i had to wait for the right time.

Val's day came and what better tme to go for the kill(mischevious grin)? Our hostel was out of bounds to males and as such, whenever a guy needed to see anyone, he went straight to the potter's lodge, where the potter incharge,  used the PA system to call whoever.

It was a free day for most of us and the val gifts started pouring in early.  Whenever the potter made any announcement, we all rushed out cherring and stylishly checked who got what. Prior to this, i had  sent love notes to SU with the promise of revealing myself to her on val's day as i was a secret admirer. I patiently waited for the hostel to get quiet and then headed straight to the potter's lodge with the rotten fufu i had carefully packed in several cartons, making sure it was the biggest val's gift yet. it didnt take long before she was called and trust girls na, they were all shocked as per SU dey do val? I joined the crowd of cheering Moremites and trust me, girls tripped. some were even jealous.

SU open your gift na! for where? she must have read the  wordings of the val card over a thousand times. Evening came and she eventually opened her gift. i wont forget in a hurry, the look on her face. Girls laughed so hard, they had tears in their eyes. She started reigning curses i felt fulfiled inside and  even danced yahoozee in ma mind. little did i know that ma reward wasnt far away. A whole val's day, all ma gbo gbo bigs boys boyfriend gave me was a measly one carton of indomie noodles. Gosh!! the shame no be here walahi. who come like food pass? Me or SU?

Please if you are reading this my dear SU, please forgive me. please dont judge me.

twenty naira AIDS!

Hello fellas, trust your month is starting on a good note. The recent happenings in town, kinda threw me down memory lane. Of a fact, both male and female likewise,have experienced some form of sexual harrassment or abuse. some are lucky and some are not that fortunate eg facebook Cynthia.

I dont mean any disrespect but what kinda chic embarks on such an adventure to wonderland without as much as telling a close friend or sibling where she is going and to do what?

Our society isnt as holy or as safe as we think sometimes.In the end, its only God, who keeps us safe.

Back to what i really wanna share. (Lemme not deviate) I was fortunate enough, to get into uni early. i had barely turned 16 and life for me, couldnt get any sweeter so i thought.(Lol) how childish of me.

I was a tomboy, and expected every other dude to treat me just the way  my brothers would. Innocence or naivety, call it what you will.

I was kinda ignorant of the fact that boys wont always reason like brothers

I learnt that in the most unpleasant way.(Smh!)

I had  a group of male friends in uni and our friendship never went beyond the school premises, until that fateful day.  

We were done with classes and were heading home when one of hello hi buddies in school offered me a ride home. in ma mind, i was happy  i had saved  20bucks tfare, so i hopped in(awoof). By the time Dracula approached the estate gate, he suggested i came to know where he lives. I obliged and shortly after,we were at his place.

He didnt live alone but he had a room to himself in the flat he shared with fellow vampires, Blade and the twilight crew. Before i could say Jack, Dracular locked the door with key(shu!) levels. He slotted in a movie (how Stella got her groove back i think). Then came the kissing scene. Bobo started bringing out his winch teeth to suck virgin blood. chai! ayaf suffer.

I resisted his shaggy touch on ma skin. He kept trying and my strenght was no match for his conji strenght. dear God, this wasnt how i planned ma first "S". I had to put ma brains on over drive ( thank God for oyinbo film) 

I told the ojuju to relax. I mustered courage and asked him what he wanted.    You wanna shag me? The idiot said yes. I said you for talk since na.

Quick thinking moi, told him to get naked and in a split second, he was naked and ready to giddy up like say i be horse(mstceeew). I said "not so fast baby" I convinced the nama to go and take a shower while i undressed. He rushed straight to the bathroom.

The golden opportunity for prison break! I rushed out as fast as my legs could carry me. I didnt look back self. wheeeew! pheeew! that was indeed close. i have since borrowed myself brain. The guy for just gimme 20 naira AIDS! Thank God oh!